Not Just Yet
by rainbow.room
Summary: Because she's not ready to leave, not just yet. 2012.
1. our goodbye will not last

He first feels that it's a bad idea but he's already out of the house, keys in hand. Then he thinks that it's a bad idea but he's already too far to go back, wind playing with his hair. By the time he's standing on her doorstep, Damon knows that it's a bad idea, each second he thinks about it making it all the more obvious. But he shakes his head and knocks anyway.

"Damon?" Caroline's eyes widen as she pulls the door completely open, registering that he is, in fact, standing right in front of her, all grey eyed and leather jacketed. She doesn't mask her surprise, she didn't even sense him coming. And he takes her in; hair in a bun, finishing the last of her kiwi slice. Taking him in right back, Caroline doesn't bother feel uncomfortable around Damon, not after all they've been through. But she raises an eyebrow under his curious glare.

"Good morning, blondie," he adds the last word with a half smile which she promptly rolls her eyes at. Caroline steps back so that he can come in but Damon shakes his head and steps further from her doorway, motioning for her to close it behind her. Her eyebrows furrow but Caroline steps out of her house and shuts the door. He looks at her again, until she is finally put off by the silence.

"What do you want, Damon?" Caroline asks him. She isn't annoyed, just curious as to why he, of all people, would ever want to make a visit to her humble abode at seven in the morning. And on a Sunday, too. It doesn't fail to cross her mind that he is Damon and he was out partying last night and would never leave the house unless it was of utmost importance, meaning he wants something from her. But her tone is not angry, merely confused. And, okay, a little irritated that he caught her with bed hair when every black lock on his head is perfectly pushed in place.

"I'm leaving," Damon looks back at his car, one suitcase laying across the backseat. She forgets to stare at his curls when he speaks. But Caroline is not surprised, her mouth twitching to the side as she processes it all.

"And that's all you're taking?" She finally manages to say, a sliver of snark in her tone. Damon rolls his eyes. "I didn't realise your whole wardrobe could be put into a single suitcase, Damon."

"Those are actually all the bottles of Scotch I stole from Stefan's stash," Damon deadpans and Caroline snorts. She knows that he's not lying, it's just so typical of him.

"Not like you wear anything but that beat up leather jacket anyway," Caroline motions to the very jacket covering his body. There is a silence between the two as Damon stares down at one of the sleeves. Then he shrugs it off and hands it to her. She looks at him, confused again and wondering why she hasn't been more rude yet.

"I want you to have it," Damon tells her before she can even ask why he's giving her his favourite jacket. Her eyes glaze over with a strange look but she stands still as he steps closer to put it over her bare shoulders. She shivers, suddenly feeling a chill.

"Why now?" Caroline asks. She doesn't ask why he is not staying. She voices out her curiosity as to why he has stayed so long.

"I think I'm done with Mystic Falls," Damon replies nonchalantly, putting a hand in his pocket. Then he looks straight into her eyes and makes sure she's looking back before he asks, "Aren't you?"

"No," she answers simply, looking up at him. Her gaze is neutral as she memorizes his every feature, knowing that it will be another lifetime until she sees this Salvatore. He looks different in just a black tshirt, younger. Caroline remembers that he's only nineteen, realising that this was the first time he has ever looked his age, filled with hope and completely unaware of what his future will hold. She feels a pang of jealousy and wonders if maybe she might be done with Mystic Falls, too.

With Tyler out of her life and her mother always at work, nothing is left to hold her back. Nothing except prom and graduation. It's not much, but still just enough to make her stay despite the fact that every fibre of her being is telling her to grab her ipod and get into the car with him. Caroline is staring at the empty passenger seat when she shakes her head, saying, "No, not just yet."

They stand in silence and her eyes meet his again. Memories run through her head and Damon bites the inside of his mouth to keep all his words from pouring out. He looks at her with a tortured expression and she returns his gaze, still lost in her thoughts. Because despite the fact that he treated her like crap and used her as a cheap blood bag, Caroline Forbes liked Damon Salvatore. And if he had let her, she could have loved him.

He takes another look back at his car, not completely uncomfortable but still very aware of the heavy air between the two. "I should-"

"Would you still have killed me back then? After knowing how I've turned out, I mean?" Caroline doesn't know why she asks him, but she's already blurted the words out. And she needs to know. He swallows, eyebrows furrowing and looking at her, really looking into the insecurities behind the blue of her eyes, begging him to tell the truth for once. He hears her heart beating faster, unsure of his answer, holding her breath and hands balling.

"Yes, but not because I hate you," Damon puts his hands on her shoulders so that she won't move away, so that she'll look straight into his eyes and know that for once, he's not lying to her. "I would have killed you because everyone dies and I'm sorry you even had to be this way. You don't deserve this life, Caroline. Even after everything I did to you, I never would have wanted you to turn out this way. Because of all those perky little prom queen barbies, out of everyone I know, you are the one person I wish could have turned eighteen, could have turned 20, 50, 75, and died. And I mean this in the nicest way possible: you deserve to die."

"Why did you give me your blood then?" Caroline whispers. He can smell the salt of her tears forming and she curses her vampire emotions for heightening everything. And she curses Damon for choosing this one time to apologize, choosing this time to be so very un-Damon. "Why did you give me your blood after my accident when I should have died?"

"Because I was selfish and I didn't want you to die," Damon answers, then he lets go of her shoulders and shrugs his own, a wry grin forming on his face. "Big mistake because now you can never die."

"Yeah," Caroline manages a small smile as she tries to push the tears back. She wants to suggest that he could always stake her, but now is not the moment to do so. She can't quite place what makes her feel this way, completely nostalgic and wanting to suddenly say she wants him back. Instead she says, "Now you're stuck with me."

"No, not just yet," he uses her words as he looks at her. He glances back at his car and swallows his plea for her to come with him. With a small, calming breath he looks at the blonde who earned her way into his heart, after months of tears and fights and literally trying to break each other.

Before he can even blink, she throws herself at him, burying her head in his chest as her arms wind around his frame. She sobs once and after a beat, he wraps himself around her, underneath his leather jacket and reaching inside her shirt to pull her closer. She smells like Caroline, back when she was alive, back when she belonged to him.

"I'll miss you, you big jerk," Caroline mumbles into him. He puts out a hand to push her chin up. They stare at each other once more and he can feel his own tears rising.

"You take care of yourself, blondie," he whispers and she nods, letting her arms fall by her sides. He presses a kiss to her forehead and she wipes at her eyes. Before her tears are dried, he's already starting his car. She doesn't look up until she knows it has pulled out of her block. And she stands still, perking her ears until she's sure he's already too far gone to hear her shaky breath.

Caroline slips back into her house, walking straight into her room and dropping down into bed, suddenly exhausted. Her eyes trail towards her closet, then the suitcase by her shoes. She could call him right now and he would come back for her. But she closes her eyes and shakes her head. She can still hear the lazy spin of his tires as he drives to the main road but stops herself from grabbing her phone. No, she would not leave. Not just yet.

He visits no one else, not even Alaric. Because she is the only person that would not have stopped him and convinced him to stay, she is the only person that will ever understand him. Unzipping the suitcase, Damon opens a new bottle and takes a swig. The Grill passes him and he sits in silence, thinking of the blonde girl he met years ago. Insecure under her confidence, brilliant under her foolishness. A memory of her laugh flashes in his head and he grips the steering wheel harder for a moment. Then with one last turn, he's out of the little town, looking towards the endless road.

Somehow, he knows that she'll soon follow.


	2. our goodbye is waiting to happen

She does follow, after months of inner conflict. And hunger. The hunger to just be rid of this town, with all its painful memories that overshadow everything good she had ever known.

Bit by bit, filling her black suitcase and a duffel bag. She tells no one as half her wardrobe slowly disappears into two packs. Every night she stares at her room, memorizing the things she can't take with her. She's not sure how long she'll be gone but Caroline knows that anything that can hold her back must be left behind. Half of her heart knows that she will never return to Mystic Falls, Caroline Forbes was never meant for a small town life. It has always been Rome, Paris, Tokyo ever since the words left Klaus' mouth. And yet her eyes turn misty as she looks at the past she will soon leave behind.

It's Jeremy who notices the change in her, it only takes an afternoon in The Grill and her old cheerleader uniform to catch his attention. He watches as she devours the entire menu, intending to savor her lifetime of meals into two hours. Caroline sticks her tongue out at him when he calls her a pig. On her last plate Jeremy sits across of her, sticking his own straw into her half finished milkshake.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" Jeremy asks. It's a statement and she knows it. He sips from her chocolate drink, not entirely surprised that she would want to. Caroline swallows her mouthful of buffalo wing, shocked at his receptiveness. It must be the damn ghost whisperer thing he's got going on.

"Can't stay here forever, Jer," she gives him a wry smile. Caroline doesn't have to mention everything that happened in the last two years to support her decision.

"Where are you going?" He asks, curious brown eyes trained on her blue. She takes a moment to consider the question, taking a sip from her milkshake, nose nudging the hand still holding his straw. Finally, she shrugs.

"Why? D'you want to come?" Caroline teases. Jeremy laughs, looking around the empty bar as if to answer her question. She's joking but he knows that it's her way of saying that he should follow her footsteps and get the hell out of this messed up place. "I'm done with this town, aren't you?"

"Ask me tomorrow," Jeremy answers, his lips fighting to keep a smile down. Then his phone vibrates on the table and Caroline sees Bonnie's name. She rolls her eyes and motions for him to answer the call. When he's answered, Caroline stands and riffles through her bag for money. Then she bends down and kisses his cheek, his free hand squeezing hers momentarily, before walking out. Jeremy turns and watches her get into her car, forgetting to listen to Bonnie until Caroline's silver Volvo drives away. He knows she won't be there to ask him tomorrow. He tells no one of their conversation.

Her mom is out again, voicemail playing. Caroline sets the table for one, then starts loading her car. Tears threaten to fall as she makes last minute fixes, keeping the little possessions in her shoulder bag. Finally, she plucks a picture frame from her dresser and leaves behind her childhood, still wearing the short red getup. When her mother comes home, dinner waits for her. Beside the glass is Caroline's goodbye, ending with the words "don't come looking."

She is just reaching the edge of town by then, the frame lying on the passenger seat. Caroline takes a breath and looks down at the photo. It is the only picture she has of Stefan smiling, giving Caroline a piggy back, her arm around his shoulders to keep from falling. Elena has an arm on Bonnie's waist and her other holding Jeremy. Tyler stands beside a haughty looking Rebekah, who stands beside Matt, who stands beside Stefan. Caroline's free hand winds in Matt's hair, pulling her first love closer. Only Damon is missing from the picture. But Caroline's lips tug into a curve because even after everything, the group manages to smile.

Tears finally do spill as Caroline looks away from her graduation photo. She lets out a shaky breath and blasts on her iPod. Stepping on the gas, the silver Volvo drives past the Mystic Falls sign and Caroline sobs once before pulling herself together. She imagined freedom to feel different but it grows on her as the music rises. Caroline slips out of town, not bothering to find anyone else, not bothering with goodbyes. She knows that no one will miss her, she knows that she can miss no one.

Caroline drives, and drives. And she puts thousands of miles between her and the sleepy little town in Virginia, stopping every night at a motel that couldn't seem any further from home. It's California that calls to her, and Caroline has been driving for forever when she slows down to a stop in Rodeo Drive. The allure of designer stores has her gaping, open mouthed and wondering why the hell she'd never bothered to come here before. She compels a realtor and immediately gets an apartment before stepping into one of the stores, leather jacketed and looking like a lost girl trying to find her big break. It comes to her in Miu Miu as she walks toward the cashier, dress in one hand and shopping bags in the other. Tall, dark, and predator approaches just as she finishes paying, asking her to dinner with an offer she can't refuse. By the time he drops her off at her place, Caroline Forbes has got herself an audition at 9 AM tomorrow. She picks up her phone to call Elena, Stefan, Bonnie, Matt, even Jeremy. But nobody would have understood, and she falls into bed, feeling lonelier than ever.

It's just past a month before Caroline admits defeat and goes looking for some companionship, fishing out a hastily written adress from her leather purse. September air doesn't bother her as she walks up the stairs of the spotless estate. Caroline rings the doorbell, wondering if she'd made a mistake. But he walks out, half naked and half asleep. He looks like hell and smells like alcohol. Somehow he looks hot enough to make up for that and Caroline stuffs her hands further into his leather jacket.

"Blondie?" Damon sputters into his coffee. She's a red head now, like Jessica Rabbit red. It's for a movie, she explains. Nobody will forget her after this and she's currently in talks for a music career and god dammit Damon, the sun still kind of hurts my eyes so why don't you invite me in?

Damon steps aside and she walks into his fancy house, pulling off his jacket and throwing it on the couch before settling down herself. He takes her in and she looks great, and hot, and suddenly he's hot. And she notices. With a small laugh, she says, "I missed you, you big jerk."

He sits down next to her, pulling her legs up over his and refusing to answer. He missed her graduation and he listens to her talk because she was prom queen and all of summer she was packing and she spent her birthday filming and everybody would have cared too damn much about her when all she really wanted was a glass of some really old bourbon and kinky vampire sex. Damon's jaw twitches at her tears and gets up to pour her that glass of some really old bourbon while she tells him that at least she got the kinky vampire sex, but all it did was make her miss Tyler and why is she so damn emotional right now?

"I forgot how much you like to talk," Damon hands her the drink. Caroline laughs through her tears and wipes her eyes, apologizing. She just feels weird seeing Damon again. It takes her a while to finally calm down but soon she's laughing and throwing insults at him and they're back to being Damon and Caroline, banter throwing Vampire Barbie and Hollywood's Resident Dick.

But still, there is a change. Damon, with his insults and bed hair and half naked self is different. Caroline watches him as he talks, and not just blows air out of his mouth but actually converses. She can sense the shift, the way his eyes are soft and his laugh lines are more prominent. How his hand grips the glass and the way he watches her back. She realizes that this is Damon happy. And sitting down beside him, legs over his and stifling a laugh at his words, Caroline realizes that this is what freedom really feels like. She decides that she likes the feeling and stands up to grab the bottle of bourbon and pour herself a healthy glass of it.

When Damon kisses her, hours later, he tastes like blood and she licks it off his lips. Caroline lets him push her down, rip away her clothes and grip at her red hair. Damon is passionate, dangerous, rough. He is like he always was with her: violent and heedless. But she's not girly little Caroline anymore and she handles herself when he grips her hard enough to bruise and keeps it that way. Eventually it's over, white hot like it had always been, and leaving her perversely warm all over. He is galant enough to carry her to his bed, the white covers tempting her to spill blood and ruin its pristine innocence. She drinks up, so fast that it drips from her lips and falls onto the sheets, staining the cold white with her warmth, leaving her Caroline mark. Damon rolls his eyes and tells her she has to pay for his dry cleaning but Caroline decides that she doesn't care as she settles herself into him.

Damon knows that she will leave soon but he puts an arm around her and pretends that she will stick around, pretends that he can compel the affection on to her once more. He goes silent as he listens to her breathing, it is comfortable and he lets himself smile because she looks like his old blondie in her sleep. He gives himself this moment of endearment before finally succumbing to a deep slumber.

She wakes before him and in a haze of insanity, decides to cook breakfast. When he wakes to cold sheets, his jaw twitches, though he expected it. But the smell of fresh bacon calls to him and she sits comfortably reading the newspaper, stark naked and unconcerned. With a satisfied smirk he tells her she can stay. And she smiles because she's not ready to be lonely again just yet.

It is months later that Caroline decides to herself that Damon understood her, he knew the very Caroline underneath her blue eyes and still red hair. He is sympathetic underneath his indifference, loving underneath his disarray. And for now, it is enough. For now, he is all she needs.

He knows that she needed his push. But she runs on her own battery and if she stays with him, she will run out of happiness to cover his gloom. He waits for her to walk out, surprised every morning to see her sitting with the newspaper or another one of her superficial magazines that are now lying around, usually still naked with her hair tied up real messy and just the way he likes it. But he knows that he is just her beginning. And she knows it too, somewhere in her heart. Because he treated her like crap and used her as a cheap blood bag. Because he turned her when she should have turned eighteen, 20, 50, 75, and died. Because even after everything she's been through, if he lets her, she could still love him. But she knows that eventually, it will not be enough, he will not be enough. And yet, she isn't ready to leave his warmth and familiarity. So she stays.

Because she doesn't want to be lonely again. Not just yet.


End file.
